Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Here, There and Nowhere

I'm going to start this very honest and vulnerable post with a picture

I feel this self portrait is a real life reflection of where I am at right now.  I feel like I am looking out and nothing is in focus.  Some days I feel so alone and forgotten-- disconnected and distant.  Days and weeks go by in a blur and I have trouble remembering what I have done.  I am lost in my thoughts, my concerns, my hurts and my disappointments.  The dark cold of these long winter days often match my mood.  I think of what could have been's and the only if's--thinking and dwelling on them too often.

I have discovered over time that motherhood is so much more than a title.  It is so much more than having a relationship with my kids, more than a sharing of characteristics with them-- its more than just finding the 'right' qualities in me.  Motherhood to me is a daily denial of oneself.  It is an offering-- a humble and first fruit offering.  It is a constant fight between my heart and my head.  It is NOT easy.

I share this because I had the great privilege of being a part of a conversation today which centred around a lot of what I wrote about.  How motherhood has hormonally changed our emotions, how it has rewired our brains, how it has hardened and softened our hearts, how it physically has wrecked havoc on our bodies.  Motherhood has left us with less patience, dirtier floors, tired bodies and short tempers.  And you know what....that's okay.  Because this is real.  This is raw. And this is honest.  Motherhood is not pretty, it can't be all rainbows and butterflies. 

I am human and I have been created by God and I live in a sinful world.  I am sinful - I fail - everyday.  But I am carried by an amazing God.  One who I have become distant with-- one who yearns for me.  He has given me his constant grace, which is so undeserved.

Motherhood is becoming a blur - the everyday demands and the fast pace leave me wondering where the days have gone. It was amazing to recognize after our conversation today that other mothers feel and have experienced these many heartaches as well.  It gives me strength and comfort.  It gives me peace and it gives me confidence that I can be helped and that I am doing good.  I am being carried by God's amazing and ever steady grace. 

Recognize when you talk to other moms that they are fighting a battle.  A 'get through the day' battle but more than that an inner battle with oneself to see the every day good.  I see good in every day and even more than that I see God each day.  I see him in my children.  My heaven sent God breathed children.  They remind me that his grace is abundant and good.  It is ever flowing and its loving.  His grace is full of laughter and full of the biggest hugs you'll ever get.   My children are His grace.  They are his grace gifts and for that I am blessed. 


Anonymous said...

This is beautiful. You should try to get this published. I was also just wanting to mention that yes God is good and even though life is a "blur" and sometimes you may feel forgottten, your individuality also lies in Christ. There are things no one else can do that only you can. There is a path that was laid out before you... I believe that that there is more of us that becomes prevalent the more we discover ourselves in Christ. Love this blog Kristin... will be keeping your and your family in my prayers. Oh and the photography is amazing. Think you could maybe take some of Grace and I one day?....I could pay you for your time. Or trade you a wooden flower... ask Roloef about them...
Troy Van Loenen

Anonymous said...

Being a great grandmother I had a long life to manage and now have many things I realize missing to do because of being lead to reach for personal growth and knowledge. It was not good to make that priority. The children come first. It isn't easy to lay your personal dreams on a side even if they seem to be just within a close reach. What ever you sacrifice of personal dreams and give some to your children, especially, faith and love for eachother, family and other people.You have to organize your own priorities and not be selfish. God blesses all, particularly the children. Don't feel like they are holding you back to be the best you may be in photography or any other art. Love the children the best and remember you have a husband with Gods blessing to help you cope with dreams and guide the way in life that will not always bee " I want". Pray together, play together, work together (begin with little duties). Lerning isn't easy for them and every one else no matter their age. If you miss leading them the right way they drift away and build their own life. I do regret a lot of things I did not teach my children, not always because I did not know better myself, but also do to circumstances (political and wrong friend coices too ).
You are loved by God and your husband every day, so you can give only what you have to your children, that is all you are getting yourself not wishing to get. I hope you don't have regrets later like I do.
A good help is the book " Boundaries" (I don't recall the authors name ), it is in our church's library.
An other thing, you know I am writing, but the best thing is talking to some one with open heart. May the Lord help you to forget and occupy the empty focus.

Anna Poet said...

God's gift are the children.You can not bring them up without some personal sacrifices.They have to be replaced with love. There is nothing meaningless in God's creation we just have to stay in contact with the Lord and try to understand why He lets those sacrifices come in your life. There is a reason - talk to God and you will understand that you have to grow till the end of your life, along the children, praising God. The other things will find the time and place - God willing.
May God bless you and strengthen your patience and love.

Jenn and Calvin said...

When we lived in larger close knit communities, with family close by to help on the hard days, being a Mom wasn't as challenging. Now that we are alone with our little family, and we must manage it all by ourselves, it is tough. There is no time off for good behaviour, though we certainly deserve it. I can not think of a more demanding job mentally and physically than raising a child, however the rewards from that work are second to none. Just because it is so rewarding doesn't mean we didn't suffer for it. I understand and feel the same as you have described, only I never thought others had it better or I was doing worse.

I believe we all have a price to pay in order to raise our kids and am thankful every day for the resources that allow me to not be so alone (Early Years Center, MotherCare, Knox playgroup, etc.). Knowing I can talk to other moms who also struggle to be the best they can be makes it easier for me to know I'm not alone. You aren't alone either - we are all here for you, with our not-so-clean floors, ready for play dates!

Allen said...

Thanks for being honest, Kristin. You are a brave young woman. I have always marveled at and mourned for Freda in those early days of motherhood. It seemed like so many years before she came into her own and then she just seemed to blossom. I do have to say though, your gift and eye for photography is a pleasure for us all. Thanks for sharing. May you be blessed with the endurance, peace and comfort of the Holy Spirit.

Miss you all very much.

Allen -- as in, "uncle"

kpeereboom said...

Thank you everyone for your replies, your wonderful words of wisdom, your words of encouragement and sharing your own life experiences. I can't figure out how to reply to each of your comments individually but I thought I should write something quick - I haven't forgotten I just like things to digest in my heart and mind :) I will keep coming back to these comments because there is so much here to learn from! Blessings everyone!

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